Supporting children in the days after Hurricane Helene's devastation

“At many times throughout their lives, children will feel the world has turned topsy-turvy. It’s not the ever-present smile that will help them feel secure. It’s knowing that love can hold many feelings, including sadness, and that the can count on the people they love to be with them until the world turns right side up again.” - Fred Rogers. 

My heart is with you all. Our community is devastated by the effects of Hurricane Helene. Just know that I’m here for you. Please reach out to me with any needs or questions.

Please contact me directly and I’ll share a list of pro-bono (for free) therapists from around NC offering short-term trauma therapy either in-person (if evacuated to their area of NC) or via telehealth to clients here in WNC.

Below are some child mental health resources that might be useful in the days ahead.

https://www.citizen-times.com/story/news/local/2024/10/03/asheville-therapist-children-feel-grief-need-help-to-process-it/75487756007/

  • Re: the importance of sharing feelings with your children, and checking in on their feelings. To all the clients reading this, we start every session with a feelings check-in as a reminder that “our heart can hold many feelings at once.” Processing grief, particularly traumatic grief, is a dual process: we are processing the trauma (loss oriented) while simultaneously finding ways to move forward (restoration oriented). Post-traumatic growth can emerge from great struggle. But first we must allow ourselves to grieve, process, express ourselves fully.

https://www.citizen-times.com/story/news/local/2024/10/03/asheville-schools-are-out-after-helene-how-to-help-kids-get-by/75464999007/

  • Re: helping children cope with the big T’s (big trauma) and small T’s (smaller trauma).

https://piploproductions.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/TrinkaandSam_hurricane_eng_2021Final.pdf

  • A really wonderful short story about hurricane related trauma, with pointers at the end for parents. Created by experts in child trauma at the National Child Traumatic Stress Network.

https://piploproductions.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/OnceIWasVeryVeryScared.web_.4.pdf

  • Another really wonderful short story about animals who talk about feeling scared during a storm. Created by experts in child trauma at the National Child Traumatic Stress Network.

May we all find small ways to transform our struggle into something of fearless kindness and togetherness.

With love,

Jillian

Explaining a parent's death by suicide to children

My colleague and I recently published a children's book, My Grief is Like the Ocean. We saw a need for accessible resources for caregivers and children after parental death by suicide. 

Using the latest research and clinical guidance, and told from the perspective of a boy who lost his father to suicide, our beautifully illustrated children's book will help children to feel supported and less alone in their grief. When caregivers and children read this book together, they will gain a valuable resource for engaging in honest, informative and heartfelt discussions to help families heal. 

For more info about the book, click here: https://mygriefisliketheocean.com and to read an interview with me about the book, click here: Mountain Express Article and https://www.citizen-times.com/story/life/family/2024/04/26/grief-like-the-ocean-supporting-children-after-the-death-of-a-parent-by-suicide-jessica-biles/73458964007/

To watch an interview about the book, click here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dK3wRDkzxpM

How "Finding Nemo" can promote safety when children get lost

With all the cold weather around here recently, I’ve been watching quite a few Disney movies with my son! While enjoying “Finding Nemo”, my child advocate radar (and Mommy fears!) switched on big-time. While the movie is full of adventure, laughs, and brightly colored coral reefs, it’s also a great opportunity for parents to talk with their child about what they can do if they are ever separated from their parent, like Nemo.

So, I encourage you to grab some snacks, snuggle up on the couch, watch “Finding Nemo”, and then have an empowering conversation with your child about your own family Safety Plan. Here are some ideas, courtesy of https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/social/child-gets-lost/:

  1. Stay put

  2. Call out the parent’s adult name “Jillian Kelly!” not “Mommy”

  3. Look around and if possible, ask for help from the nearest parent (an adult who is with their own child/ children). Consider writing your cell phone number in your child’s coat or shoe, and let your child know it’s OK to show an adult (a parent, police officer, etc) this number if they are separated from you.

Additional ideas include changing language from “don’t talk to strangers” (which is hard to actually enforce as children are meeting new people regularly) to “don’t ever go anywhere with anyone, without ASKING my permission first” and “I promise that I will ALWAYS TELL you myself first if someone besides me (Daddy, Mama, Grandma, etc) has permission to bring you somewhere. If anyone ever tells you that they’ve already ASKED my permission but you don’t remember me telling you that, then it means that person is telling a lie and they are unsafe so you can yell “NO, DANGER, HELP!” and get away immediately.” And since children learn through play and repetition go ahead and role-play with your child so they know the safety plan before it’s ever (hopefully never!) needed.

Engaging in symbolic play with your kids at home!

All children need some time each day to be in control. Play time is a natural time for this! 

Here are some encouragements and considerations:

  • Set aside 20-30 minutes each day for this type of child-directed play time (ideally around the same time each day for consistency; no cell phones or electronic distractions please!);

  • If possible, get down on the floor so that you are on the same level as your child, bearing witness to all that unfolds;

  • Think of being in noticing mode instead of being in teaching, judging, or evaluating modes. This means just granting yourself the joyful experience of sitting back and following your child’s lead;

  • If your child has invited you into their play time (and surely they will!) remember to reflect, reflect, reflect: reflect what you see, reflect what you notice, reflect underlying feelings. Here’s an example: If the play theme that develops is your child taking on the role of a brave prince fighting off a fire-breathing dragon puppet, you can start by reflecting: “I see that this prince is so strong and powerful!” Now, since children often play out stressful situations that they’ve experienced throughout the day, if you notice content that is kicking up lots of feelings you can take it to the next level by reflecting: “Oh my, I notice that brave prince is trying so hard to defeat that sneaky fire-breathing dragon.” And since children may use play to go even further in showing you the depth of their feelings, you can take it to the next level by reflecting what the underlying feelings could be (all while staying in metaphor here!): “Oh brave prince, you may be feeling so powerless fighting against this fire breathing dragon. I wonder what will happen next? Remember I am right here for you and feel so proud of you.” What may seem like a simple battle scene can actually be quite a powerful release and communication for children; enriching to the parent-child relationship in ways that direct conversation cannot access.

  • Enjoy!

Understanding how children grieve; and links to my recently published book:"I Didn't Get to Say Good-bye: A story for children grieving during Coronavirus”

You may be wondering how children understand death. As a psychotherapist with experience in childhood grief and trauma, I’d like to share some considerations with you. 

Your school-age child may think of death as something that comes and gets you, as they connect death with scary things. They may be especially curious about the body and what happens to it after death. The idea of irreversibility and inevitability are starting to be understood, although the permanency of death won’t be fully understood until around age 10. They may show increased aggression and decreased impulse control, and even hyperactivity and seemingly random bouts of laughter or silliness. These responses are all normal. Caregivers of children at this age may find it helpful to provide opportunities for playing out their thoughts and feelings about death (ex: with toy figurines and household items), providing empathy, and encouraging the whole family to be involved in special rituals to honor and share memories about the person who died. 

Your pre-school age child understands death a bit differently, which is why we decided to write two versions of our book. Your pre-school age child may think that death is reversible, like a long trip from which people return. They may have difficulty with concepts such as “heaven.” For this reason, well-intentioned sayings such as “he/she are in a better place” are quite confusing and not advised. They may have difficulty verbalizing their many and varied feelings. They may worry that something they said or did caused the person to die, due to their developmental reliance on their own magical thinking (ex: “if I only had given her my share of orange juice”, etc). Parents can help their children by providing concrete and honest answers, by reading stories about emotions which foster the development of feelings vocabulary, creating art or a book to share special memories, and encouraging children to express their wishes. 

***

Together with my colleague Andrew Barnett, LCMHC and the talented illustrator Zander Stefani, we created the books “I Didn’t Get to Say Good-bye: A Story for Children Grieving During Coronavirus” (written for children ages 6-12) and “I Didn’t Get to Say Good-bye: A Story for Young Children Grieving During Coronavirus” (written for children ages 3-6). While there are already many excellent books available to families which address death and grief from a child’s developmental perspective, there are none to date that have captured the unique experience of death and grief during this pandemic. Many children and families will not get to say good-bye to their loved ones who die from this awful virus, or even be able to have traditional memorials where there is a communal opportunity to grieve in the days and weeks after the death. 

“I Didn’t Get to Say Good-bye” aims to witness children in their grief, to help them to have names for the complicated feelings they are experiencing as they grieve, and to provide ideas the whole family for rituals which give opportunity to say good-bye in their own way. Our hope is that by reading this story aloud (perhaps during a quiet moment in your day, cuddled up together with some soothing items nearby) it creates an opportunity for your child to share feelings and to honor wherever they are in their grief experience. Because children rely on cues from their caregivers, a vital factor in your child’s experience is indeed how you as their caregiver attend to your own grief experience. By sharing your feelings, openly and honestly, you provide your child with the permission to share theirs too.

Our books are available online (Amazon and Barnes & Noble). All proceeds from purchasing the book will be donated to food pantries around the nation.

Ages 3-6: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0578687275/ref=sr_1_3?crid=8T61LF9SS455&dchild=1&keywords=i+didn%27t+get+to+say+goodbye&qid=1594314835&s=books&sprefix=I+didn%27t+get+%2Cstripbooks%2C176&sr=1-3

Ages 6-12: https://www.amazon.com/Didnt-Get-Say-Good-bye-Coronavirus/dp/0578683393/ref=sr_1_1?crid=8T61LF9SS455&dchild=1&keywords=i+didn%27t+get+to+say+goodbye&qid=1594314789&s=books&sprefix=I+didn%27t+get+%2Cstripbooks%2C176&sr=1-1

Jillian's Top 10 picks for parenting books, plus 3 excellent guidebooks for parents to use when explaining hard topics with children:

The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who are Kids Become and How Their Brains get Wired, by Dr Daniel Siegel and Dr Tina Payne Bryson

Parenting from the Inside Out, by Dr Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell

The Carpenter and The Gardener: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents and Children, by Dr Alison Gopnik 

The Highly Sensitive Child, by Dr Elaine Aron 

I Love You Rituals, by Dr Becky Bailey 

The Whole Brain Child, by Dr Daniel Siegel and Dr Tina Payne Bryson

No Bad Kids, by Janet Lansbury 

The Read Aloud Handbook, by Jim Trelease

The Philosophical Baby: What Children’s Minds Tell Us about Truth, Love, and the Meaning of Life, by Alison Gopnik 

The Irreducible Needs of Children, by T Berry Brazelton and Stanley Greenspan

Please explain anxiety to me!: Simple biology and solutions for children and parents by Jordan Zelinger and Laurie Zelinger

Please explain terrorism to me: A story for children, PEARLS of wisdom for their parents by Laurie Zelinger

Please explain Alzheimer’s to me: A children’s story and parent handbook about dementia by Laurie Zelinger

Andrew Barnett's Play Time Podcast: Episode 38 "Love and Fear in the Age of Pandemic"

If you haven’t yet listened to Andrew’s brilliant podcast, Play Time, now is the time! It’s full of interesting topics on play therapy and child wellness.

And, if you prefer to read the content rather than listen in, Episode 38, entitled “Love and Fear in the Age of Pandemic” has been transcribed (link below). Enjoy!

https://barnettchildtherapy.com/play-time-transcripts 

Rituals fostering togetherness

Check out this article I contributed to the Whole Mama’s website if you’re craving some playful rituals and routines while at home with young children:

What’s the difference between routines and rituals?

The goal of routines is continuity. We know routines are essential for young children because they help children to create and regulate their own internal clocks, given that our brains are pattern-seeking devices. But here’s the thing: when parents get caught up in daily tasks and overemphasize the mechanics of routine, they lose sight of connecting with their children. What they end up giving attention to is when children do something special or conversely get in trouble. On these occasions, children receive our undivided attention but they learn that they only get it if they’re special or misbehaving. So this is why we need ritual! The goal of rituals is connection. They create a time and space designated for togetherness, playfulness, and a “be- with” attitude. Children learn that they don’t have to do anything special or attention-seeking to get your undivided attention; they just have to be who they naturally are in that moment.

Psychologist Becky Bailey has a wonderful book, “I Love You Rituals”, that I highly recommend. An example from her book takes under 2 minutes to engage in, and helps with the transition from school to home. It’s called “What Did You Bring Home from School Today?” She instructs the parents to greet their child being attuned through eye contact, touch, and connectedness and to say something like: “Hey, there you are. I’ve been waiting all day to hug you. Let me see what you brought home from school. You brought those blue eyes. You brought that cute little mole on your arm. You brought your backpack and your coat. You brought your warm little hand. Let me hold that hand and let’s go home together.” This moment of connectedness lays the foundation for everything to come afterward.

www.wholemamasclub.com/creating-rituals-for-connection/

Comforting Story for Children - Support during Coronavirus

I encourage you to check out this beautiful metaphorical story, written by the wonderful Play Therapist Dr Joyce Mills, for kids about comfort and calm (involving snuggling a teddy bear!) during worrisome times. The link also provides parents with tips for ways to help kids to express their worries, encourage problem solving, and remain hopeful: https://howtotellstoriestochildren.com/blog1/comfort-the-bear?fbclid=IwAR1sJgqk0mje6J0S7BhqtxCu8wrN2JsgY6izz2cCRVKKaXj673hlVPZZph4

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